People pleasing can often feel like an unending struggle. The desire to make everyone happy can lead to sacrificing one’s own well-being. Jasmine Elise, a recovering people pleaser, knows this all too well. She recalls the time she canceled her own 21st birthday celebration to attend a friend’s event, only to feel invisible and disappointed. This is a common scenario for many who find themselves trapped in the cycle of constant self-sacrifice.
Elise’s journey toward change began through therapy and self-reflection. She realized that addressing her people-pleasing tendencies required a deep look into her own patterns and behaviors. Here are four key strategies she shares for putting oneself first while also prioritizing mental health.
Put “Future Me” First
Elise emphasizes the importance of prioritizing one’s future self. Just as flight attendants advise securing your own oxygen mask before assisting others, considering how future self will handle new commitments is crucial. This approach helps prevent burnout and ensures that personal boundaries are respected.
Joy Harden Bradford, Ph.D., founder of Therapy For Black Girls, supports this approach: “Slowing down when responding to requests allows you to evaluate whether you truly have the time and energy to take on a new task.” By taking a moment to assess priorities, individuals can avoid overcommitment and manage their responsibilities more effectively.
Get Comfortable With Conflict
Avoiding conflict is a common trait among people pleasers, but it can perpetuate unhealthy patterns. Elise suggests that learning to accept and manage conflict is essential for breaking free from people-pleasing behaviors.
Candyce “Ce” Anderson, mental health consultant, highlights the importance of setting boundaries: “People pleasing comes from exhausting and betraying yourself to satisfy others due to guilt or fear.” Facing conflict head-on and establishing clear boundaries helps in maintaining healthier relationships and protecting one’s well-being.
Be Prepared to Grieve Relationships
When people begin to set boundaries, some relationships may end, which can be a painful process. Elise advises that it’s important to acknowledge this reality and understand that such changes are a part of personal growth.
Bradford points out that reciprocity is a key indicator of healthy relationships: “When relationships start to feel imbalanced, it’s a sign that boundaries need to be reassessed.” Letting go of one-sided relationships can lead to personal liberation and improved emotional health.
Let People Be There For You
The strong Black woman trope often discourages asking for help, leading many to experience burnout. Elise’s experience underscores that allowing oneself to rely on others is a strength, not a weakness.
Bradford reinforces this idea: “We often don’t want to burden people, but it’s important to allow others to support you.” Recognizing that asking for help can reduce feelings of guilt and enhance overall mental well-being is crucial for maintaining a balanced life.
